I Made Elyse Cry

School is starting and we're proactively trying to get everything organized, planned out and in a routine.  When will we do homework?  Where will we do our homework?  How will we make sure our homework is done?  How long do we need to study?  What do we do if there's no homework? 

All that fun stuff.

We are currently in the pre-game.  The kids aren't getting a lot of homework, mostly practice pages they did during school and about 57 million things for parents to sign and return.  We also haven't had orientation yet so everything we see in their folder is up to interpretation and you only have to go by what the kid is saying, what you know to make sense about the world and how well organized your child is .

Elyse is terrible at organization.  I got home from work and got the usual, "yeah, yeah, yeah - we did our homework" bit.  Then, cut to 8:45pm - time for bed - and suddenly Elyse needs me to sign something.  I open up her folder and it's complete chaos.  I'm totally hyper-organized with stuff like that, I label my labels and make lists for lists but if I'm on one side of the spectrum, Elyse is on the other.

So I'm trying to stay calm, on the left side of the folder I find several half done activity sheets.
 
"Are these supposed to be finished?" 
No, she says.  "We are just supposed to bring them home, Mom." 

"Why don't you have to finish them?" 
"We just don't, Mom.  Trust me.  This is our "take home" stuff."

So then I flip to the other side of the folder.  I find several half done activity sheets. 
"Are THESE supposed to be finished?" 
No, she says.  "We did these in class, they are already graded." 

"But why isn't it finished?" 
"We just didn't have to, Mom." 

"But why is it in this side of the folder instead of the other side with all of the other half-finished activity sheets that weren't homework?"
"It just was, Mom.  I remember what the teacher said, and I don't have to do these worksheets." "Trust me.", she says.

So then I find a homework check off sheet at the very bottom of the pile, which says "Check Math Homework".  At least one of the half done activity sheets that "didn't have to be finished at home" were math sheets.  I have no idea if I'm supposed to make her re-do the answers or just mark what's wrong?  Is she even supposed to bring it back tomorrow or am I just supposed to "check it"?

At this point, something in me snaps. 

I fall right into lecturing Elyse on organization, and the importance of having a place for her work.  I'm explaining that we have a lot of parents involved in her life that all have to know what's going on.  I remind her that she is a big girl and old enough to organize her work.  I'm trying to convince her it will help her, that everyone needs organization.  She is totally and completely resistant to everything I'm saying.

She starts crying, I can tell she's frustrated and something in me softens.

I say, "Why are you crying, Elyse?  I'm just trying to helpful?"  She tells me I seem mad.  I tell her I'm not mad, but the crying continues.  The crying gets worse.

She is crying because she doesn't want to change the [totally random] labels she's taken time to write in cursive in her folder.

She is crying because "what if she gets a lot more take home papers than homework papers and one side of the folder is wayyyyyyyyyyyyy bigger than the other!"

She is yelling at me to just do "WHATEVER YOU WANT!  You're the Mom!  JUST DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!"

Parenting is hard, man.  It's these moments where I have no idea where we are, how we got here and/or how to get out.  I literally had no idea what I had said to make her so emotional.

I put her to bed shortly after that, and she was still weepy.  I told her a stupid joke about a lion, zebra, giraffe and frog.  She laughed, I kissed her forehead and told her we would talk about a solution that will work for both of us tomorrow.

She came home from school the next day with an "incomplete" circle on her homework sheet for not completing one of the math sheets.  She prefaced telling me that with about one thousand don't-be-mad-at-me's.  The same worksheet that I held in my hand as she assured me she just didn't have to do it, and told me to just trust her. 

I felt the patience in me start to crumble, but this time instead of leaning in on the lecture I just asked her if she understood more about the importance of organization.  I thought to myself, "Look at you stay patient! *mental high-five* What a divine learning opportunity for her to see the light!".

She countered with, "No!  It's not my fault!"

"The teacher didn't tell us!"
"I didn't know"
"It was an accident!!"

Parenting is hard, man.

A totally different angle and she still hates organization.  And evidently she is mad at me again for even thinking about holding her responsible for not completing an assignment.  We were gifted a  perfect real world example of why a "take-home" and "homework" folder would be so beneficial and she still abhors the idea.

I don't have an answer, or a pretty resolution at the end of this post or an  "aha moment" that I had to share. 

I dropped my daughter off at school this morning and she was mad at me because in an unrelated argument, I told her she needed to stop making excuses and to just do what I say.  My sweet, sensitive daughter is turning into a big-for-her-britches time-bomb of emotions.  There are just so many feelings in there!  I thought I knew her so well and she is surprising me more and more, every single day.  I repeat, there are just SO many feelings in there!

The car was pulling up to where she would get out and I told her, "I know you're frustrated with me, but I still love you.  I love all the feelings you have in your heart, and all the opinions you have in your head - even the ones that are different from mine.  You're in charge of those and I don't want to take them from you.  I just want to help you be the best person you can.  Do you understand?"

"I do."

I told her I loved her.

"I love you too, mama." she said.