To my kids, here is what happened in my 20s.

There is something sobering about completing a decade in your life. It reminds me that I'm IN it. This is life. Each moment that passes can't be re-lived, and I am slowly but surely approaching death. I don't mean this in a negative way, it's actually enlightening to me. I have never been someone afraid of getting older, and turning 30 feels exhilarating. Like I get this whole new decade to make whatever I want with.  It does however bring to light all of those "Who am I?" questions that accompany thoughts of mortality.

Is my job how I want to spend the majority of my adult life?

Am I good wife?  Am I good mother?  Am I appreciating these fleeting years?

How can I make my life meaningful? What can I give to this planet that will outlast my short life?

It is also staggering how much I've grown into my own skin in the last 10 years. I've had SO much life.  It's been on my heart to document what it's like to be me, right now in this moment, to give to my daughters one day.  Teaching them is one thing, but mostly I want to leave a piece of me for them to relate to. I know what happens as we grow, our hair turns gray and we see things so differently that to our children it may seem like somehow we were born at that age and never lived through the same heart aches and struggles of youth.

So as an au revoir to my twenties, here are the events that shaped my core being and the kind of woman I am now, as written to my daughters.

Leaving the Nest

I was eager to be on my own and actually moved out right after high school when I was 17. I'll be okay if you want to do that too, I understand the drive for independence.  There were several hard lessons included in this season, but I'll list my two big - let's call them - "learning curves":

1. Living with your friends is fun, but also dramatic. Well-selected stranger roommates live their own life, do their own thing, buy their own food and basically keep to themselves. When you live with your friend there is a lot of sharing clothes, borrowing money, stealing food, forced company (friends of friends) and in general next to zero inherent boundaries. That said, I lived with my best friend, Mia several times over my early 20s and although there was usually drama, I wouldn't trade the amazing memories. Lots of drinking, lots of boys, lots of hiking and outdoorsy stuff, lots of spontaneous California trips, lots of secret adventures that I wouldn't dare post on the internet, but promise to tell you one day...in person and probably after drinking. 

2. Money and other grown up stuff. To this section I'll give you my straight advice which you can infer I learned from doing the opposite: 

Credit matters. Learn how to really make a budget, I'll help you.  Don't hide from your money problems, dig deep and figure out what you're working with so it's not so stressful. Read leases carefully. Include spending money and food costs in your budget. Use cash so you don't overspend. Put money in your savings before spending money. Get a job, find your little niche in life before buying a house. You may want to live in the cool bohemian side of town this year and may want to move to San Diego next. Minimize commitments during these early years so you allow yourself space to stretch and grow. 

Love

Oh boy.  I've learned heaps and heaps about love in my 20s. To protect the innocent and the guilty (that's me), I'm going to skip itemizing mistakes in this section too, and jump straight to what I learned. 

Don't settle on who you love, and the kind of love you deserve. Love yourself first, it's the best way to catch the right guy. Sex doesn't have to be a BIG deal, but you are giving away something amazing each time so love yourself enough to be choosy.  Boys respect a girl that doesn't give it up to just anyone. They may go home with the girl that gives it up easy, but it's the girls that keep their cards close that drive them truly crazy. USE BIRTH CONTROL.  You can and will get pregnant if you're flippant about it. Avoid any long acting birth controls like injections because if you have a crappy side effect you have to ride it out (we call this the hurricane season of my life called Depo Provera.) But USE BIRTH CONTROL.  If you get pregnant, don't feel like you have to have an abortion. It's hard and scary, but there are millions of great people who can't have their own babies.  It's hard to know when love is for real and I can only speak for myself here but look for someone who feels like your best friend, that you also can't keep your hands off of. There should be lots of laughter and fun. Love should come easy. You should feel like a better person for having known them. They should know how to call you on your shit, while also lifting you up. Don't settle, my little loves. When you find it, it's so worth it. And in love and friendship, never be afraid to say when it's been enough. Some relationships are there just for a season to teach you something about yourself, never forget that the only person you ever need is you.  That said, take marriage seriously. You can't be ready until at least 25, I'm a firm believer in that. There is so much that changes within us leading up to your mid-twenties. You will be a completely different person with different goals, different desires, different priorities than when you first stepped out on your own. So, go to college. Date a lot of boys (keep your legs closed!), learn what you like and don't like in a relationship, practice breaking up, date yourself, spend time with your friends, and just figure out who you are. After college, get a job and start your life. That way whoever you meet will always know you as that person and won't be surprised. Plus, you tend to meet people going in the same direction when you start your path.  But above all else, love yourself first.  Accept nothing but love and respect from all of your relationships. You should never have to give more than you receive until you're a mother.

PS. Pay attention when everyone hates your boyfriend.  They can usually see something you don't and only want your best.  Alternatively, just because everyone likes your boyfriends, doesn't mean he's "the one".  You can be like someone, and they can be "nice", but not the one that is going to keep you strong, engaged and refined for the rest of your life. 

Career

Life is short, if you're not happy, it's not worth it. You may fail but you have one chance at life, and how awesome would it be to really make it doing what you love! You're going to spend a lot of time away from your family going to work, so if you're not happy, do something about it. My favorite quotes about change are:

I crossed the street to walk in the sunshine. 

Just when the caterpillar thought it's life was over, it became a butterfly. 

Don't be afraid of the unknown.  Listen to the whisper of your heart, it's God telling you where to go. Stand under His umbrella and follow his pushes.  I promise you can feel it if you quiet your own thoughts. It's a sense of "Ahhh this is right where I'm supposed to be". When you don't have that, pay attention and make changes.  There's no excuse not to. 

Fly Away Little Bird

Before you get rooted by careers and families, live somewhere else for awhile. Go somewhere you've never been. Live on your own in a new place.  Find new grocery stores and make them home. Meet new friends. Practice being self sufficient. I prefer you come home after, but I understand if you don't. The world is a big place and it would make me so proud to see you go explore it. 

Feelings

It is an on-going struggle for me to learn how to be vulnerable with other people. I don't expect anyone else to fill my emotional void or fix my feelings, and as a result I've kind of sucked at even talking about it with others. Every single day I work to make a better example for you, but it's a struggle for me.  But I've learned the value of being better at this. You can share your vulnerability without the expectation that others will fix it and it's so important to get that stuff processed and out of you. Always have some good girlfriends that you can unload on without judgment. I promise to always listen and I'll try really hard not to tell you how to fix it. Emotions don't make us weak, they can be our strongest features. 

Mostly daughters, I want you to feel deep in your bones that you are strong.  That you are worth everything, a valuable little piece in this big world.  Through mistakes, and heartache, and lots of changes I want you to feel rooted in yourself and secure.  You are beautiful creatures that God knit together, stitch by stitch.  There is none like you.  You can run places, you can explore, you can bring home crazy boyfriends or decide you don't want to get married or have kids.  I will always love you.

~~~

I'll end this on my favorite part of my 20s, which was like the rainbow to the hardest part of my 20s. Meeting Cameron. He was like the icing on the decade cake of my 20s. He was the gift of true love. His love gave me wings and the courage to keep discovering myself and who I wanted to be. My ultimate wish for my kids is that after finding themselves, they'd find their Cameron. A best friend that will make life and parenting fun, so their life feels like an adventure, even at it's most mundane. Someone that laughs with them during love and looks at them like they're their best friend.

~~~

So happy birthday to me!  Cheers to 30!

Becoming an ICAN Chapter Leader

I used to get my confidence, and my self-esteem from my position at work.  I was really proud of my reputation at work, and it ultimately gave me the assurance that I was smart, capable of anything and valuable in a professional setting.

I decided to take over as Chapter Leader of ICAN of Phoenix shortly after Milo was born, I think March 2013.  At the time I had the smallest whisper inside me telling me that I wanted to be more involved in this "vbac movement".  I had planned on just volunteering, but at the exact moment I was taking that step, the previous Chapter Leader decided to step down.  I was confident in my management skills from my day-job and so I decided to take the leap and just go for it.  I felt terrible under-qualified.

I wanted to badly for this to become my thing, but I was so insecure in my abilities to pull this off that I regretted doing it almost immediately.  The previous Chapter Leader was so established, people loved her and I was so different from her.  I knew how I planned my birth, and I was really confident in the leading people to information, but my strength has never been consoling the emotions of others, and ICAN came with a lot of women needing to share and digest their feelings.  I felt awkward and I like I could make things worse for these poor women, and so many times I wanted to quit.

It's been almost a year now, and I don't even know how to transition this post into how I feel now.  I've realized there is no real art form to helping women process their emotions.  You just have to listen, and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.  It's not as scary as I thought.  As my confidence has grown, so has my willingness to reach out to women and offer my help and there has been at least 50 women in the last year I have helped that went on to have empowered birth experiences.  I know I'm not changing lives, but I can tangibly feel that I'm making a difference.  Even if it's just helping them start their journey of motherhood on an empowered note, I really believe that can make such a difference in how someone experiences their first months and years of motherhood.  The pride I get from this position is so different than the pride I get with my "day-job" at work.  The pride from my day-job was self-serving; a desire to be the best at what I do and for people to recognize me.  This pride is fed by the feeling of humility and gratefulness I have in having a part in women's births.  The warm feeling I have when I see their "I DID IT!" posts on facebook, and see what empowered awesome mamas they become.  Most of these women go on to have their babies, and I may never get a thank you but truly the only reward that's meaningful to me is watching them carry on as strong women.

I am so thankful that when I was insecure and on an unknown path, that I didn't turn back.  I didn't quit just because it was scary and I was afraid of failure.  My experience as Chapter Leader for ICAN in the last year has made me a better person in so many ways.  I'm more confident in my body, and feel like part of a team with my care providers instead of just a patient.  I'll be a better mother to my children, especially when they go on to have children of their own.  I have so much more to offer them in this important piece of their life.  I'm much better at being there for people in an emotional capacity.  I've learned how to pay attention to what someone needs based on how they ask for help instead of just shoving birth facts down their throat.  I've learned that opening up my time and my life for other people, is a lot like tithing at church.  If you give your last dollar, or your last precious moment to help someone else; somehow you are paid back and often with interest.