I was raised as a cesarean baby. My mom had a cesarean, and my grandma had horrible stories of being left alone to labor in a white, sterile hospital room alone. I remember hearing stories about how my cousin looked like a bloody alien coming out (Hi Tori!). I was grossed out. I had no experience with a healthy, natural labor being the "natural" way.
I remember seeing my mom's cesarean scar on her mama belly growing up, and hearing stories about how the doctor lifted me out of her. There was no pain, just peaceful emergence into this world. It sounded lovely. I never questioned what I wanted when I grew up. I was going to have my babies cut out of me like my Mama did.
The gift of that mindset, is that I didn't mourn a birth experience after either my cesareans. The only thing that made me look into doing something different with my third is because I didn't want to schedule a cesarean, I wanted to go into labor and then have a cesarean. I stumbled upon the concept of "Gentle Cesarean", and then ultimately fell down the rabbit hole of VBAC and it was a strange realization when I allowed myself to wonder, "What if I could do that?"
Months into my third pregnancy, I remember looking down at my growing scar and idly wondering if a baby would come through there again. For the first time in my life, I had expectations about my birth. I worried how I would take it, if I ended up with another cesarean.
Of course, as the story goes, I've had two vaginal births since then. The first was scary, the second was wildly empowering. It was month's after my first VBA2C that I even started to really absorb the fact that I'd pushed a baby out of my vagina. It's hard for me to explain this, but I'd had a preconceived notion of women that push babies out, and it was something separate from me. It was like a complete shift in my identity that I was someone who pushed babies out, too.
Even with having achieved the goal of VBAC, I found that as I planned my next birth as unmedicated, I still had a deeply rooted insecurity over what my body could do. In my mind there were now three categories: women that had cesareans, women that had vaginal births with epidurals, and super-hero women that had natural births. Even with the strength I'd gained, I still found ways to tell myself I wasn't good enough.
It doesn't take anything away from mom's that have cesareans. I still believe those are some of the bravest women out there. They are willing to lay down and get their body cut open in order to protect their baby. Society really minimizes just what a crazy big deal that is.
It doesn't take away anything from a woman that chooses an epidural. I believe there is a place for epidurals. I also know that I didn't use one because I chose to, I used it because I was afraid not to.
I am five months postpartum for my unmedicated birth with Hazelanne, and I still have moments where I want to high-five myself. For me, the gift isn't that I had a baby come out of my vagina. On it's own, that's just natural. I think the gift in this was my experience in taking control and ownership of my body. In believing I could do something that I had never, ever, truly felt capable of doing - and then actually doing it. And God gave me my triumphs in small, manageable steps. I don't believe I would have had the courage to try for a vaginal birth after cesarean, if I hadn't had a concerns with my 2nd cesarean's timing. I don't think I would have had the courage to go for a natural birth, if I'd hadn't had a vaginal birth first to know what to expect. God, in all of His knowing glory gave me exactly what I needed, when I needed it, to bless me with the confidence of my capable body.
I stepped out of the shower the other day and casually caught my scar in the mirror. Without prompting, I thought to myself, "That's not an exit anymore." And it was so clear to me in that moment how far I'd come in my confidence as a woman, that it almost made me cry.
I'm hoping this doesn't sound anti-cesarean, or anti-epidural. It's not even pro-natural. What I'm for is letting yourself dream that you can do something you never thought possible, and trusting God to give you what you need, exactly when you need it.
