The 4th Trimester

"When babies are first born, they don't have the brain maturity to deal with the outside world," says Jennifer McArthur, co-director of the Northwest Association for Postpartum Support. "They depend on their parents for basic survival, but also for soothing, because they just don't know how to soothe themselves until they are about 4 months old."

For this reason, some experts say human babies need the first three months of life to give their brain and central nervous system the time needed to mature. In the course of those three months, an infant develops into a baby who is able to respond to the outside world. Breathing starts to regulate. She becomes able to lift her head, smile, coo, develop social interactions, and begin to soothe herself. This time between birth and the end of a baby's third month is a unique stage of life that many now refer to as the "fourth trimester."

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Milo will be 3 weeks tomorrow. I read on my baby boards of women that also had December babies that we are all having similar experiences, but how we respond is quite different - or people are lying. Personally I hope they are lying or I feel like a really shitty new parent for not celebrating every sleepless night. I remember one day I opened up one of my December 2012 baby boards and a woman wrote, "In the middle of a 3 week growth spurt! Bubbs has been attached to the boob all day and won't stop crying if I put him down - I couldn't be happier getting a chance to snuggle my baby all day!"

Meanwhile.

My son was in that SAME growth spurt. I too had a child attached to me for days and felt starved and exhausted from the event. I was crying in showers and this woman was remarking these as blessed days. Am I an asshole or is she dellusional? Don't say both.

While I can't say she was lying, I can say that her truth is definitely not everyone's. Surely isn't mine. In the spirit of honesty, I wanted to share my realities for you during this 4th trimester of my child's life. For me it's a tiring, stressful, pushed to the limit period of time where you are infatuated with your babe but totally miserable in life. A strange juxtaposition, for sure. So here are my truths:

I spend most of my days breastfeeding. I now totally understand why when I asked new Moms how often they breastfed during the day, they looked at me like I asked them how many breaths they took that day. All I know is after 2 hours if he's not on my boob they are leaking like crazy, so that must be his average.

When I'm not breastfeeding, I'm trying to fashion him comfortable enough to sleep solidly for at least 30 minutes so I can walk away and do something for myself - sometimes that means just time to eat. One day I spent literally 2 hours having to poop - no kidding. It was getting close to carrying him in there with me and pooping together, lucky for Milo he picked the right time to accept his swing and chill for a couple minutes.

Our bed sheets are covered in body fluid - not the fun kind. We spend days covering pee, vomit and the tiniest bits of poop smear with receiving blankets so that we don't sleep on wet spots. Luckily there has been no major poop situations that would force my hand to actually wash the sheets. We're not monsters people, we would definitely probably wash the sheets if he pooped on them. Maybe. Realistically, I'm going to be honest here and tell you the sheets have been changed 3 times in the two months he has been alive. Judge away people! I know I would! But try and remember we have 6 people in our family generating laundry, requiring food and requiring care. It's not for the weak of spirit.

Showers are my sanctuary and I've never been more clean. I spent 30 minutes in a hot shower, even shaving my legs - just cause! To be more specific, I shower because there is no baby in the shower. And there times I would pay someone for that religious 30 minutes of me time.

I'm so goddamn tired that I don't even realize how sleep deprived I am. I wake up between 2-4 times a night and then my days are spent trying to take care of myself and other family duties in the periods where he allows me to put him down while he's sleeping. I'm a 10 hour a night person. How I'm not dead yet totally escapes reason.

I still don't know everything. I'm a baby person, so not only did I grow up babysitting, but I've had two babies of my own. At this point, you go into this like "I've got this, right?" and are continuously reminded that each baby comes out wildly different. Cameron and I still ask each other nightly, "When should we feed him? Does he seem hungry or is this his tired cry? Should we put him down now? Should we put him in the swing or the bed?" It's a game! A terrible, terrible game where when you lose - your baby cries for hours straight causing you to question the existance of your sanity.

I've gone mad. My crazy pills and propensity to anxiety is a post for another day, but let's just say this isn't my first rodeo. And what do you get when you take an already high strung person and add a new baby, no sleep, lots of responsibility and little control? A dumpster fire of emotions. Specifically you get a seriously hostile woman who sends loving text messages all day and then boils in hostility all night. A woman that cries in the shower. It's been fun.

In spite of all the madness, and the hypershowering and negligent laundering, I'm truly so infatuated that the hard moments pass without memory. It sucks in the moment when your baby has been fussy and nursing all day, you haven't eaten and it's been weeks since you slept. And sometimes I see these women on boards that act elated with every moment, and I just feel like a giant ungrateful asshole when I read it. My hope is that NORMAL people - yes I'm classifying myself as normal - will read this post and appreciate that they are not crazy for feeling dark and miserable after sitting on the couch all day, or after day 3 of your baby eating every hour at night, or for being lonely as shit for adult interaction as you sit at home watching Maury and Law and Order all day. These things are normal, and you are normal and it's okay to want to call your baby an asshole after they've been crying all day. I know you don't mean it, and sometimes they kinda act like one.