Becoming an ICAN Chapter Leader

I used to get my confidence, and my self-esteem from my position at work.  I was really proud of my reputation at work, and it ultimately gave me the assurance that I was smart, capable of anything and valuable in a professional setting.

I decided to take over as Chapter Leader of ICAN of Phoenix shortly after Milo was born, I think March 2013.  At the time I had the smallest whisper inside me telling me that I wanted to be more involved in this "vbac movement".  I had planned on just volunteering, but at the exact moment I was taking that step, the previous Chapter Leader decided to step down.  I was confident in my management skills from my day-job and so I decided to take the leap and just go for it.  I felt terrible under-qualified.

I wanted to badly for this to become my thing, but I was so insecure in my abilities to pull this off that I regretted doing it almost immediately.  The previous Chapter Leader was so established, people loved her and I was so different from her.  I knew how I planned my birth, and I was really confident in the leading people to information, but my strength has never been consoling the emotions of others, and ICAN came with a lot of women needing to share and digest their feelings.  I felt awkward and I like I could make things worse for these poor women, and so many times I wanted to quit.

It's been almost a year now, and I don't even know how to transition this post into how I feel now.  I've realized there is no real art form to helping women process their emotions.  You just have to listen, and acknowledge that their feelings are valid.  It's not as scary as I thought.  As my confidence has grown, so has my willingness to reach out to women and offer my help and there has been at least 50 women in the last year I have helped that went on to have empowered birth experiences.  I know I'm not changing lives, but I can tangibly feel that I'm making a difference.  Even if it's just helping them start their journey of motherhood on an empowered note, I really believe that can make such a difference in how someone experiences their first months and years of motherhood.  The pride I get from this position is so different than the pride I get with my "day-job" at work.  The pride from my day-job was self-serving; a desire to be the best at what I do and for people to recognize me.  This pride is fed by the feeling of humility and gratefulness I have in having a part in women's births.  The warm feeling I have when I see their "I DID IT!" posts on facebook, and see what empowered awesome mamas they become.  Most of these women go on to have their babies, and I may never get a thank you but truly the only reward that's meaningful to me is watching them carry on as strong women.

I am so thankful that when I was insecure and on an unknown path, that I didn't turn back.  I didn't quit just because it was scary and I was afraid of failure.  My experience as Chapter Leader for ICAN in the last year has made me a better person in so many ways.  I'm more confident in my body, and feel like part of a team with my care providers instead of just a patient.  I'll be a better mother to my children, especially when they go on to have children of their own.  I have so much more to offer them in this important piece of their life.  I'm much better at being there for people in an emotional capacity.  I've learned how to pay attention to what someone needs based on how they ask for help instead of just shoving birth facts down their throat.  I've learned that opening up my time and my life for other people, is a lot like tithing at church.  If you give your last dollar, or your last precious moment to help someone else; somehow you are paid back and often with interest.